| THE LAST LOGIN .com The end of time is worth the wait [ back ] |
Login.com smsg23.txt: THE FINAL LOGIN And beheld when the seal of the last login was broken, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; the sun became black as a sackcloth of hair, the moon became as blood, the depths of hades froze to ice, and the heavens became fire. The demons screamed as they solidified to eternal frost, and the angels cursed the burning heavens consuming them. The souls of all of man were torn apart at the vortex of infathomability that obliterated their feeble minds. And in that strange place in the furthest corner of the galaxy, alone, by itself, as far away from any other corner of existence as it could possibly be, still, nothing was happening. (Revelations Just 1:1) It... it... what?... I... uh... what is this? This is... no... it can't be... but-- but it is... It's... no, I'm dreaming or something. This just isn't happening. Someone shoot me so I'll wake up. Or maybe I want to stay, I'm not sure. Will this end the world or something? Is this a dream? Cuz that little scroll bar icon on the side looks really tiny... Is this like twenty freaking pages? Twenty freaking pages of... of... I just-- Hey, buddy, would you shut up? The last login's about to start. I don't see anything on the movie screen. [Booming cheery voice from all around] That's because that due to the horrific and inexorable laziness of the director, the whole last login will be one single, solitary page of text, in the spirit of the original logins. Wait, are you fucking kidding? No, I'm not kidding. But you're kidding, right? Does it sound I'm kidding? If I was kidding, there would be a bunch of menu options right now. This domain is registered for a single page of text? Yup. Hold everything guys, what the flying hell is a "login"?! Well, the director of this page and his best friend, back in college, used to write eachother humorous rants in their login.com files that would appear on the screen whenever they logged into their accounts. They called these pages "logins." Hence the pun The Last "Login.com". For a long time the director built up the suspense that there would be a huge "Last Login," as his friend built up the suspense of a competing "Final Login." Neither were ever written to due laziness. Ten years later, the director finally decided to write the Last Login, despite having no idea how to contact his jerk best friend who hasn't called him in years. Are you saying the whole planet has access to this file simply because this guy thought it would be fun to be able to send his friend a link to a site called "thelastlogin"? Not at all! It's still funny to everyone else, it's just written for that one guy. Also, if you go and read the previous logins on the main page, the last login will be much funnier and make much more sense. So if you're anybody but that one guy, why don't you read those now, or just come back to all this when you're bored or can't take your organic chemistry anymore. ... .. So, without further adieu, now after ten years, in vehement opposition to an evolving world of HD plasma holographic computer displays, we bring you the most long-long awaited and greatest page of text ever to be concieved by man. Isn't that a little much? Shut up you idiot, it's about to start! I'm not even sure I'm gonna stay for this, in the time I could read this thing I could jog half a marathon or join greenpeace or solve a rubix c-- Hey, Shut up! Some of us actually want to read this! But why? It's just a freaking-- [*CLICK*] *BLAM*!! *crowd cheers* (Isn't this just like old times?) [The theatre darkens] (Oh my God. This is really happening. I stood in line for six years to get tickets, and it's actually finally about to start. I'm going to see the last login before I die. [freak heart attack] No wait!!!) Did someone in the theatre just die? I don't think so. I think he did. Shouldn't we call an ambulence or something? EVERYONE SHUT UP. (Sorry). FADE IN: A little girl walks alone on the beach, dragging a torn kite behind her. She turns as she hears a far off voice, almost anticipating it. [V.O.]
Susan, it's time for dinner!
>>> NOTE TO SELF: WRITE UP THIS OPENING WHEN I HAVE MORE TIME <<
No. What? Are you kidding? I'll write it later. But you published it in the final login! You'll never write it now. Oh well. You suck! Dude, relax, there's still a huge login down here. But still. Whatever. Hey, was that the Susan in whose dreams we all exist? Were we about to see her childhood, and get a better understanding of the reality of our own lives? Yes. And now we'll never know. Yes. You suck! Hey guys, who's this Susan? You'll find out a little later, hush. [Now back to the last login, already in progress] Previously, on the last login... FADE IN: A little girl walks alone on the beach, dragging a torn kite behind her. She turns as she hears a far off voice, almost anticipating it. [V.O.]
Susan, it's time for dinner! >>> NOTE TO SELF: WRITE UP THIS OPENING WHEN I HAVE MORE TIME <<
And now the conclusion. ... A closeup of the dried blood morphs into a crimson sunset. The camera rises into the sky and all the way into space, and further outward until we see our galaxy. Even further we pull outward, until other galaxies appear. All the galaxies in the known universe start to form into twelve letters, and we finally see the entire known universe is actually a three-word phrase: THE
LAST LOGIN [brought to you in part by the atomic weight of Bob the skunk] [now conveniently readable in portions if that's more convenient for a busy law student] [if you have no idea what a login is and are not the single person for who (whom!) for whom this site (no wait I think it's who) for who (nooo sorry I'm pretty sure it's whom) for WHOM is intended, (isn't it spelt "whome?" / no), or if you're not 3 years of age or older, or if you don't go to drag queen shows at Axis on Tuesdays, or if you're someone who realizes that these latter two conditions are completely unecessary because anyone who's not the soul person for whom this site is intended automatically doesn't need these extra conditions, OR if you're someone who realizes that technically, the last condition was incorrect because the second two conditions could actually refer to that single person for whooom this site is intended after he passed the first condition, or if you're someone (this particular condition incidentily referring only to that single person) who is at this point in uncontrolable terror that the Last Login is going to be as hypomanic and uncontrolably ranting as this note, please leave this site now. Everyone else (that single person), please read on] Psst, hey Joe, how the hell did we just transition from proper screenplay format to website disclaimer? I dunno, who cares, it's still going. Shut the hell up, the film's still running! Alright, sorry, sorry. Don't say sorry, just shut the hell up! (Sorry). ....The condensed stars forming the galaxies forming the letters begin to go supernova, one by one, until all have burst and the screen has faded to white. Patches of gray fade in, and we see we're in some sort of white fog. The fog starts to lift, revealing a horizonless, endless field of white ground and white sky, and bright light all around with no apparent light source. We see a familiar tree that once stood on Lexington High grass to the right, and a solid, ominous pink monolith to the left. We realize this is the afterlife of the favorite tree of the director and that other guy. LHS TREE
... OMINOUS PINK MONOLITH ... LHS TREE ... OMINOUS PINK MONOLITH ... OMINOUS PINK MONOLITH ... LHS TREE ... WHITE SOURCELESS LIGHT ... LHS TREE ... We fade to gray, and then fade to a strange cyberspace tron-esque world. We soon realize we're in the lost netherworld of MicroMuse, an old text-based cybermud. PARADOX
This is the coolest freaking mud name ever. LUKE_SKYWALKER I jerk off to Star Wars so much that I couldn't help wanting to pretend to be Luke 24/7. HAN_SOLO I hate this name. My best friend forced it by peer pressure. COCONUT No, this is the collest freaking name ever. R2D2 I once was the greatest bot on MicroMused programmed by my master Luke. *beep* FIDO I was the cutest robot dog on MicroMuse programmed by Han. FURBALL Why the hell did they actually program me with hairballs... RANDOM_GUY_COMMENTING I'm already lost. I don't understand writing a whole website for a single person and
leaving everyone else in the dark, but somehow I'm oddly compelled to read on. (Hey Mark, is this whole login going to be a stupid nostalgic rant of better high school days?) (Well the director and that other guy didn't hang out much after college, and recently actually haven't talked to eachother in years due to cruel laziness on behalf of that other guy, eventually forcing the director to pay about ten freaking dollars running white pages searches to find him, and then get the letter returned anyway. So yes.) (Damn.) (Yeah. Really, really depressing, isn't it? It's so depressing I don't even want to read on. MAN, that idea is actually literally depressing some person somewhere designing my speech, having just thought of it now. And yet he's about to go on for fifteen more pages). HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO GLADYS THE BULEMIC COW
(I'm still in awe of this color. I mean, the above phrase would have been mind-blowing in the old days)
The following is intended to get that other guy back for the "horrible things to visualize" login sections, which seriously, honestly still haunts director in his dreams to this day, and will forever do so. This occurs near the start of the last login to be nice to the reader and just to get it over and done with. If that other guy--and everyone else--is really, really smart, he will just jump over the next section. This just in! The author of thelastlogin.com will now confess that he's developed a fetish for stuffing dead, baby squirrels skinned alive up his ass. Author: I've developed a fetish for stuffing dead, baby squirrels skinned alive up my ass. Dude!! Man!! Dude!! Come on! I know you're obviuosly joking, but just shut up, okay. I'm not kidding. Yah. You would never state that if it were true. It avoids suspicion. Then why are you further admitting it? Paradoxically, that avoids suspicion even further. You are now completely removed from the possibility I shove dead baby squirrels up my ass when you're not looking. Next time I'm over your house and I hop in the bathroom, you will be even less worried than you ever were that I'm secretly pulling out a dead baby gay squirrel from my pocket and stroking him lustfully, then fisting him right up-- Hey guys, HOLD ON, what is so catastrophically sick about baby squirrels? I mean it's sick, but not catastrophically sick. Oh sorry! The above (too late to be re-filmed) was the response to the actual fetish, which was finally decided by a bare majority vote of the board of directors not to include in the last login, being a tad too tasteless and tactless, even for us, despite infinite tempation for getting that other guy back for "horrible things to visualize." We calculated the psychohistory probability that that other guy would actually stop reading the login entirely after this insert was 14.7%, and the probability of serious suicidality afterwards 3.2%, and we're not taking any chances. Worse than baby dead skinned alive squirrels? What could possibly be worse than-- Trust me, it was. I'm a very sick person. Well... well... what was it? I'm honestly not telling you. You suck! It's for your own good. OK, but whatever it was, it was just a joke, right? Because even anything you'd actually cut out from a login has to pretty damn sick. Nope, the real fetish wasn't a joke. But what was it? Not telling. Come on! Alright, alright. I won't tell, but here's a picture. But don't say I didn't warn you. I'm not clicking that. Yes you are. Because anythig I say to warn you against it will just make you want to click it even more. Fuck! Ummm... [click]. Huh? You're joking. Nope. I have a fetish for sandles. I am really losing my temper. What was the real, real fetish? Unh-uh. Come on! Lick my sandles. Please! Ok, how about this one? OK; but you've already told the whole planet you like cute guys and puppies, and if anyone didn't know, they do now. That's like cuddly, soft-core bestiality. It still doesn't a light a candle to baby squirrels. How about this? Eh. This? YOU SICK FUCK, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!? ARE YOU KIDDING? THAT OTHER GUY MADE ME VISUALIZE A BABY SHITTING AN ENTIRE ROOM AFTER NOT CRAPPING FOR A WEEK SINCE HE WAS BORN. WHAT THE HELL IS A NON-PORNO PIC OF A GUY HAPPILY WETTING HIMSELF COMPARED TO THAT? Oh. Yah, I've been pretty abused. So this is anger displacement on the rest of the planet? Pretty much. Anyway, one more, and I'm even with him. I am not fucking clicking another picture. If you actually downloaded that last one, that means your hard drive must be stuffed with terrabytes of sick-- CLICK THIS NOW. I'm not clicking that! I'm not clicking that! You know there's not a chance in hell you're not. um.. um... [click] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! You are so freaking lucky it wasn't worse. Now here's an entire page of-- PLEASE NOTE THE PRECEDING LINK HAS BEEN PURPOSELY BROKEN BY THE ACLU The ACLU? One's constitutional right for this blab of a mad pervert not to go any further. Dude, that was such an utterly perverted and unnecess-- Hey dude shut up, did you see that? What? Those... colorful things... what were those? They're called images. Huh? They're rectangular arrangements of colored pixils. I don't understand. Dude, logins have evolved. You have to keep up with the times. Holy shit, I just had a thought. What's that? A reader of this login wouldn't have to actually log IN to read it. So? So we can't call it a login anymore. Oh my God you're right. Hey, can you create a login ID and password for it? No way, I flunked my entire semester of html coding 101 by staring longingly at my best friend every day in class. Okay, so what should we do? How about TheLastNonLogin.com? Nah, because it's also the first non-login. Okay, so TheFirstAndLastNonLogin.com Sounds good to me. THIS LOGIN CONTINUED AT www.TheFirstAndLastNonLogin.com We are NOT joking. Really. This page does not actually continue just pretending as if TheFirstAndLastNonLogin.com was registered. It really was, and just in the tiny case godaddy's servers happen to be down at the moment, we'll mirror its contents here anyway. [USER IS NOW AUTOMATICALLY SENT TO THEFIRSTANDLASTNONLOGIN.COM] You.. have.. bloody... freaking... GOT to be kidding me. What? You registered TWO.. FREAKING... domain names? What? They're only $10 each. But still. Whatever. No really, BUT STILL. Hey, that other guy registered an IM name just to talk to me anonymously last time all this happened. But AIM accounts are free. Look, I'm sorry, it's too damn funny to avoid. And I'll never get another chance. What about all the upcoming future logins you preview at the end of this page? Shut up! Okay, so let me get this right, not only did you register two domain names, the second of which wasn't time sensitive because you could always have done that joke at some future time when you had more money instead of a bum still on disability, but both of the domains are a single, solitary fucking page of text. That's about right. I'm going home and slitting my wrists. That usually doesn't work. Well I'm jumping of a bridge then. Yah that usually does the job. But first you should visit: www.SuicidePreventionForEveryoneDrivenUtterlyMad ByTheFactThatTheAuthorOfTheLastLoginRegistered ThreeFuckingDomainNamesIncludingThisOneForThree SolitaryFuckingPagesOfText.org If you registered that, not only am I going to kill myself, I'm going to take out a whole city with a nuclear bomb just out of the psychosis of total void of regard of human life that that registration would drive me into. Relax, I'm not THAT crazy. No joke is worth more than $30 (except maybe paying for a whole year of tuition just to surprise your best friend the very first day of college that you're going to the same school). Besides, I think it's too long to register. USER IS NOW AUTOMATICALLY SENT TO www.SuicidePreventionForEveryoneDrivenUtterlyMadBy TheFactThatTheAuthorOfTheLastLoginRegisteredFour FuckingDomainNamesIncludingThisOneForFourSolitary FuckingPagesOfTextTheDomainNameOfWhichIsBroken UpIntoSixLinesBecauseThisStupidFreeHtmlEditingProgram ExtendsTheTableToIndefiniteLengthWhenItsOnOneLine.org WELCOME TO THE FIRST AND LAST FIRSTANDLASTNONLOGIN SUICIDE PREVENTION PAGE Are you thinking about suicide? Has the fact that the author of the last login registered two domain names for the pointless joke of writing a new outdated cliche nonlogin-previously-reffered-to-as-a-login pushed you over the edge of reason? Are you already so sick of this lengthy last login that you just want to end it all? Are you the best friend of the author of the last login and feel wrenching guilt for losing contact with him? Are you anyone else on the planet besides that guy and already need psychiatric treatment for your unexplainable compulsion to read on when you just want to die? You should understand that there are coping mechanisms for dealing with all this. Unfortunately, unlike a nameless friend of the author of the last-nonlogin-previously-reffered-to-as-a-login, we have no official education in psychology (just 28 years of psychosis) and hence have no freaking clue what those mechanisms are. You might as well go hang yourself. Then again, your whole afterlife could be swimming a galaxy of last logins, so you might want to reconsider your thoughts of suicide. As a less-famous-guy-than-Shakespeare named Milkshakespear said in his less-famous-than-Hamlet play Spamlet, "For what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us PAUSE THE FREAKING DVD MARTHA I HAVE TO TAKE THIS CALL FROM WORK, OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE ON THE STREET WITH NO MONEY BEGGING FOR CHANGE FROM PASSING SKATER BOYS AND SMELLING LIKE PILES OF AGED DOGSH--"... So, actually, we have given you some good suicide prevention advice after all (stick around), or would have if this whole thing weren't a silly joke anyway, which it's certainly not (but if it were, you wouldn't be suicidal anyway). click here to return to the second act of the last login USER IS NOW AUTOMATICALLY SENT TO LASTLOGIN 2: RETURN OF THEFIRSTANDLASTNONLOGIN.COM EVERY TIME YOU MASTURBATE, GOD KILLS A REALLY GOOD TAGLINE
You know, there's a major consequence of such a lengthy last login. What's that? It's so manic and time-consuming to write, that that other guy will feel too intimidated by it to actually go and write its proposed nemesis from the original logins: The Final Login, especially because he's a really important law-major-if-he's-still-a-law-major-cuz-I-don't-even-know-cuz-the-jerk-hasn't-called-me-in-two-freaking-years who will run for president some day. Well, you know the author of this login is important and busy too, he's... um... well... ahh.... oh yeah now I remember! Umm wait I forgot again... oh yeah!! He's busy writing a thesis that will change philosophy, a site that will take over the galaxy, and books and screenplays that will make him rich and convince his best friend his life wasn't a useless ball of crap, after which he will give his friend Minnesota. Wasn't his friend going to give him Minnesota after taking over the world? And isn't it ironic, don't you think? It's like raiiiiin-- Shut up. TIHS IS NOT A TYPO.
Lemonade is made from water, sugar, lemony-lemons, high fructose corn syrup, monopotato phosphate, gatorade, drano, electrolytes, mushroom ramen noodles with that awesome sauce stuff that that guy used to put it them, salt, the people's republic of Yemen, Kant's critique of pure reason for taking so long at the counter for buying a condom, green pepto bismol, and a blend of natural oils, vinegar, modified food starch, and less than 2% of salt, mustard, sodium acid sulfate to protect flavor, not a significant source of calcium, cyanide, cruel intentions 3, or diet snapple. And now some speculation from experts that the highlighted letters of the last login logo spell "tag" on purpose. Yes Bob, I think this is a message: it's the other guy's turn now to write the next great login, i.e. it's saying, TAG, you're it, now you better get off your ass and starting typing because I'm only giving you a decade to respond. I agree indeedidly. Or you know, maybe it was the director's love of Tag body spray, now tragically discontinued. Or his fetish for shirt tags. Not the fetishes again... My God. What? That other guy will never, ever, be able to get up the motivation to match this. Who says he any intention at all of trying to do so anyway? Yah... that's a comforting thought. And now, back to a really cool, galactically timeless, neverending improv story.
When we last left off, Fezzle and Tom were weaping about the fragile state of their universe, and some idiot college compsci major managed to solidify their reality in the fabric of space and time, and have the earthlings make peace with the aliens who stopped the sun from going nova, completly jolting the whole plotline to a dead stop for ten fucking years. Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, our original story was beginning again, if a little differently. Grandma, tell us again how you developed the last login? Well, Katie, first I learned some basic html, and then-- hey, what's that at the firefox window? It's the evil zorcronitron of planet this broken link! Quick Katie, get the cookies and-- --In a far off land, a buzzing alarm woke a woman named Susan from her slumber, who's strange dreams, if you haven't met her, are actually very real realities. She was annoyed at waking up after only four lines into the new storyline, sighed at the obvious realization the current writer was more ADD than ever despite ADD being a biological condition that one has from age six on that doesn't alter itself, and hit the snooze button and fell back asleep-- In our original universe, twenty-three years after the danger of the sun going nova had been stopped by the sudden deus ex machina of one of the story writers... "I'm telling you, Tom, my calculations point undoubedly to the exisence of a new story. But this one is different. It's encoded in something I've come to call hyper text transfer protocol, existent on some sort of vast web of information." "So once again, our fates are controlled by an outside source?" "Yes." "Wait, if our existence is a story, how have we been living for the past twenty-three years?" "The storywriters solidified our universe before forsaking us, remember?" "Of course! But now that they've returned..." "Our reality has un-solidified, now bending only to their will, and once again existing only in the dreams of some chick." Actually, just because the story is being continued, does not mean your reality is un-solidifed. We can write while your universe is solidified, otherwise the last story would have ended with the line "...was solidifed in the fabric of space-time," instead of wrapping up with another couple lines. "Oh, thank God!" You're welcome. Suddenly, Tom and Fezzle's entire universe was de-solidified, again fragile and existing only once again in the dreams of some chick. "You shit-faced motherf---" Susan was awoken by the alarm again. This time she hit off, and went to shower and floss. She always had an obsession for flossing daily, and really had no idea why. Perhaps, she thought, somewhere else... nevermind, she thought, her mild ADD turning away from her thought, ironic because unkown to her, the flossing was an unconscious technique for disciplining herself and her focus which wasn't working this morning [which might have had something to do with the unfortunate demolishion of a far-off really cool website called flossdaily.com, which of course was dwarfed by the cool site of the director, though given the other guy had bipolar creative powers in addition to his ADD so it wasn't very fair to compare them, an ADD which is totally not having any effect in his ability to navigating this rant or to continue a cool story by switching scenes every--] Suddenly, to further quench the author's distracted nature, Susan fell to the bathroom floor, once again asleep, because she was, in fact, a narcoleptic. (Oh my God! That's a bigger plot twist than anything in Wild Things or Memento!) Agent I-9695 was dualing agent I-9596 in a lightsaber battle on a far off planet, swords dancing and colliding much faster than humanly possible. "Your love for the puny planet Earth will be your undoing, old foe!" "Earthlings are worthy of survival. They produced bach, descartes, and Dude, Where's My Car." "You'll burn with the whole deformed ape-descendent planet." "Foreshadowing again, old nemesis? That has always been your weakness." "Ha! Watch me foreshadow your own doom!" I-96-- I-955--? Er, the badguy surged into a more vehement, angry and passionate attack as he said this--- Susan awoke in a hospital, having slammed her head on the sink as she fell (sorry, we should have told you about that). The realities were flucuating so rapidly through unthinkable distraction and unstable frantic racing mania that she had to tell someone. She reached for her cell phone and called a scientist named Fezzle; not the professor Fezzle in her universe, and not the inhumanly intelligent Fezzle of her dreams, but a third Fezzle, in a realm standing half-way between each. She just had to inform someone about-- # WARNING: Login-hosted Neverending Zorcronitron Story approaching critical levels of complexity. Galactic Resources will not allow this story to continue. CMD> OVERIDE GALACTIC SHUT DOWN PWD> ************************************************************** *************************** 2NDARY PWD> ****************************************************** ******************************************************************* ******************************************************************* **************** # Accepted. --about all that was preparing to take place. She and three Fezzles, two storywriters, and a plethora of characters throughout not only the galaxy, but many different planes of existence, were about to collide in a chilling drama of love, death, war, and peaches. That's right. Peaches. If, that is, that other guy wasn't so intimidated by the mania of this last login that he's already jumped off a cliff along with half the othe readers... But before Susan could call, someone injected her with morphine and--- TO BE CONTINUED
[stick around for a very, very special scene from the continuing Zorcronitron Adventures at the end of the credits] WOULDN'T IT BE COOL TO HAVE A PINK, GAY, DUCK?
Und now for a totally new song from the great master of bizarre songs.... This is the login that never ends Oh it goes on and on my friend... One person, started readin' it not knowing what it was. And he'll continue reading it forever just because This is the login that never ends Oh it goes on and on my friend... One person, started readin' it not knowing what it was. And he'll continue reading it forever just because This is the login that never ends Oh it goes on and on my friend... One person, started readin' it not knowing what it was. And he'll continue reading it forever just because This is the login that never ends Oh it goes on and on my friend... One person, started readin' it not knowing what it was. And he'll continue reading it forever just because This is the login that never ends Oh it goes on and on my friend... One person, started readin' it not knowing what it was. And he'll continue reading it forever just because This is the login that never ends Oh it goes on and on my friend... One person, started readin' it not knowing what it was. And he'll continue reading it forever just because This is the login that never ends Oh it goes on and on my friend... One person, started readin' it not knowing what it was. And he'll continue reading it forever just because This is the login that never ends Oh it goes on and on my friend... One person, started readin' it not knowing what it was. And he'll continue reading it forever just because This is the login that never ends Oh it goes on and on my friend... One person, started readin' it not knowing what it was. And he'll continue reading it forever just because This is the login that never ends Oh it goes on and on my friend... One person, started readin' it not knowing what it was. And he'll continue reading it forever just because This is the login that never ends Oh it goes on and on my friend... One person, started readin' it not knowing what it was. And he'll continue reading it forever just because This is the login that never ends Oh it goes on and on my friend... One person, started readin' it not knowing what it was. And he'll continue reading it forever just because... HEY YOU! YAH, YOU, SCROLLING DOWN REALLY QUICKLY TO SKIM THE PAGE TO SEE IF IT'S ACTUALLY THE 20 PAGES LONG THAT THE TINY SCROLL BAR ICON WOULD IMPLY; GET YOUR FREAKING ASS BACK UP TO THE TOP. NO END-PEAKING. (THIS IS A SERIOUS FLAW OF HAVING WRITTEN A SINGLE, SOLITARY PAGE OF TEXT, WHEN I COULD HAVE EASILY BROKEN IT UP INTO TEN HTML PAGES; EITHER I WAS JUST THAT LAZY, OR I REALLY WANTED THE FULL LOGIN EFFECT. THE READER(S) CAN DECIDE WHICH. Can you believe there's more than a third of this shit to go? And now for some reviews of the Last Login (still in progress) Time magazine calls the Last Login the lost eighth wonder of the ancient world, reborn today in new flesh for a modern era to experience. Maxim says "It's sexier than Pamela Anderson's left breast. Hell, it's sexier than Pamela Anderson's right breast. It's even sexier than her third breast that got amputated... wait, what?" Instinct says "It's no surprise a gay man would come up with what's being called the greatest piece of art ever to be concieved by man. This shows how superior gay minds are to straight minds. We also give better head than chicks, because guys understand a male's body better than girls." Psychology Today says "Only a bipolar/ADDer could accomplish something so magnificient. All people with mental disorders, especially the retarded nonfunctional ones still living with their parents in their late twenties on disability without a prayer of ever accomplishing anything greater in the rest of their lives than a hashed up cliche login should be incredibly proud and inspired." Asimov's Science Fiction says "Science fiction lifts us beyond the monotony of the everyday present to let us visit wonderous and terrible possibilities of the future. This Last Login has brought us a taste of that future. Asimov should weep with agony, seeing the accomplishment of his lifetime's work of hundreds of books dwarfed by a site created in a couple distracted, ranting manic episodes." Douglas Adams says "I came back from the dead just to see what all the fuss was about. I thought Hitchhikers was a work of fiction, but now I see I was a messenger to tell the world what Earth was really about: it was a five billion year project to result in the greatest answer to the question of life, the universe, and everything. The answer is not 42, but rather the last login itself." PC Weekly says "The very first color login revolutionized computer in the way DOS, Windows, and the internet did, and so does this Last Login make such a mark. It would be a landmark for future progress in computer technology, if only it didn't mark the end of the freaking world. It's a shame the human race won't live on Earth long enough to see its effect on future science. This quote would make a little more sense if it came after the next quote instead of before." Beyond Christianity says "It is the end of the world. It is the end of time. This is the sign that the last days are now upon us. The creator of this login is the great antichrist, and all will take sides for the great final war to divde the souls of man." Joss Whedon says "Angel and Buffy are still the bomb, but this last login surpases just about everything else." Comedy Central says "It is so funny, that a warning should be posted on the main page that one might actually die of laughter while reading." But of course there are the occasional negative reviews: Analog says "This login is more devoid of creativity than Voyager, more redundant than Lost in Space. The author should be shot." Rolling Stone calls it the worst fucking piece of shit to ever grace the internet. They say "It is more more boring than RENT and more lame than Dan Fogleberg's later albums." Perfunctory Oracle says "If our maganize existed and wasn't just some imaginary bullshit name the author pulled out of his ass like the George Lucas' medacholorians, we'd definitely call this the most perfunctory login ever. By the way, that's an insult. We hate perfunctory logins." Slashdot.com says "It's html. It's all html! The last login prophesized to collapse the universe and give rebirth to time itself is html? Shouldn't the great omega login be written in the ineffable language of God or existence or something? It's not even flash. The apocalyptic landmark of infinity should at least be flash. What kind of freaking idiot is so lazy that he can't take three months to at least learn basic flash to give God's ultimate message of doom to mankind at scant tad of spark? Ok, it has a nice logo, but, html!? Christ!" Google says "We created a new directory category just for this login. It's called 'The single worst pile of web feces to ever exist' " Logins.yahoo.com says "This is ridiculous. Who registers a domain and pays for hosting just for the sake of the measly amusement of some guy out there that might not even look at it? What kind of freak has this kind of free time!? This is like something some severe A.D.D., horribly manic, vicously overcreative, and moderately schizophrenic and psychotic moron sitting at home with no job on disability with nothing to do all day, would do.... oh, wait, riiiight!.... it all makes sense now!" And of course a couple ambivolent comments: WebMD says "Why the hell are we commenting on a login?" Focus on the Family says "It's not really for families, and it's not pornographic or supportive of abortion or gay marriage, so I guess it's ok to look at it if you want... except for the gay jokes... and the dead baby squirrel image... and the crude language... okay maybe it's not family friendly, but who the hell cares about family anyway, we're a special division of the pentagon that has taken over Focus on The Family for classified purposes." The Third Ambivolent Comment Magazie says "Wow, and yet not wow." DO NOT INCINERATE THE LAST LOGIN BEFORE FULLY VIEWED
Click here to invest in the last login's public stock. The Last Login is almost over... unless there's an entire flash version we link to at the end... could we possibly, fathomably have learned enough flash to actually write an entire flash-based login? Or at least a few screens? Could this entire novel of a text file be just a prologue to some ten-year creative project? That's a long long time, plenty of time to learn flash for someone not working. After all, the author's main site has accumulated over five hours of reading material over the years. It's even time enough for a total genius major to have invented an advanced form of virtual reality that will suddenly suck you into your web browser like in Tron. Okay maybe not, but doesn't just that thought alone give you more hope that there might actually be a flash version at the end?... The last login is almost over... is the really the end? Is this really the last login ever? In a word, no. In the way a rock star has a retirement concert then comes back, the marketing division for the last login thought of its name purely for promotional purposes. (You fucking suck!!) Wait, are you serious dude? There's onna be more? Much more. OMG! JIM! You know how you said you could finally die once you read the last login? You're gonna be here for a loooot longer! NEW LOGINS COMING IN 2009!! Here are some previews. FlossLoginDaily.com Dude, where's my floss? Where's your floss, dude? Dude, where's my floss? No, really, I need my floss, some guys in a cult are going to come sacrifice to me to their lord the dark master (remember him?) if I don't floss every day for the rest of my life. Is that sarcasm? Actually no, I got the idea from a friend, an ADD technique of his, to pick a thing like flossing and do it every single day and stick to it for eternity. I'm going on two weeks now. Also to this day, for about a decade now, I've been using his technique "keys... keys... keys... [slam]... keys" and have never locked my keys in the car. Not even when a gang member pointed a gun to my head and said, "lock your keys in your fucking car right now or you fucking die you fag!" FLOSS LOGIN DAILY . COM
[end of teaser trailer] TheLoginBeforeTheVeryFirstLogin.com It was a time when the universe was a total void, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... The rebel forces were finally about to overtake the Empire, until someone messed it all up. Hey Bob. Yah Tom? This doesn't make sense; if this is existence before the very first login, which created and solidified the galaxy in space-time, shouldn't we just not exist at all? Yah, you're right, hey, I--- Bob and Tom and everything else vanished. The Empire was never defeated, there was just total void for an endless eternity, except that ironically, in that farthest corner of the galaxy, as far away from all other corners as it could possibly, something was definitely happening. We don't know what. Then some nerd computer science majors said.... Let there be logins! And in that corner, whatever was happening stopped happening forever, or otherwise a really cool tagline couldn't have existed. And this is the story of the rest of eternity. ...or rather, this is the story of everything before the rest of eternity, because this takes place before the first login, and this preview basically just showed you the ending, or wait, maybe it was-- THE LOGIN BEFORE THE VERY FIRST LOGIN . COM [end teaser trailer] TheFirstFlashLogin.com (highly anticipated) No no, I'm an epileptic!! Oh my God I'm having a seizure! Someone get me my medication!! THE FIRST FLASH LOGIN . COM [end of teaser trailer] Login.Battlestar.Galactica There are twelve cylon models.
They were forged by the Dark Lord Sauron. They rebelled. They evolved. They developed the means to entertain themselves with trillions of terrabytes of logins per day.
They even developed the philosophical theses that from the balance of nothingness, all possible logins have been created, each sustaining another by being another's inverse. [The login directors would like to comment that they are in no way inserting a short abstract of their actual thesis into this trailer!] Seven of the models are known.
Four of the main characters have recently turned out to be cylons by the stupidest f***ing plot twist in the history of man. ONE WILL RULE THE GALAXY The human race, far from home, fled the twelve antihills in search of a home called Earth. It was there that they would meet the creators of the original logins, the only two people in the galaxy who had the powers to destroy the cylons and reveal an even greater plot twist in which it turns out the hidden four weren't really cylons at all and it was just a mixup in the centralized cylon database somewhere, restoring the show to a non-ridiculous plotline. But, just for fun, they let all the cylons wipe out the visiting humans. This is how the last season ends, to the oblivious best friend of the author and any other idiot reader or two, since they probably don't watch Battlestar and don't get this parody. LOGIN BATTLESTAR GALACTICA # Battlestar Galactica: huh? where do I log in? # No no, that's the title. # Ohhhh. [end teaser trailer] As the last act of this login, we will drop you a list of even more login sites that may or may not be coming to a theatre near you in 2009, or in your lifetime. TheFinalLogin.com (the name of the twin to the last login if you'll recall, that that other guy should have finished in about a decade) TheSecondToLastLogin.com (a prequel) TheLoginAfterTheLastLogin.com TheSecondLastLogin.com (Like the second coming of Christ) TheVeryBestOfAllTheLoginsToComeInBetweenThisLoginAndTheSecondLastLogin.com TheThirdLastLogin.com TheFourthLastLogin.com AnyGivenLoginAfterTheLastLoginExceptThisOne.com TheLastLogin.StartingToBeatADeadHorseWithTheDomainJokes.com TheFifthLastLogin.com TheSixthLastLogin.com TheEighthLastLogin.com Eighth?WhatHappenedToTheSeventhLastLogin?.com AnySpaceballsJokeIsBeyondUtterlyClicheAndAbsoluteNotFunnyAnymore.com TheMysteryOfTheMissingSeventhLastLoginRevealed.com Login.BurningTheDomainJokesDeadHorseToAshes.com Login.ButIronically,IfWeDidn't,WeCouldn'tMakeTheDomainJokesJokes.com TheNinthLastLogin.com TheLastLogin.net TheLastLogin.ostrich TheLastLogin.cuteguysandpuppies.awww LastLogin.ButchJocksBeatingToDeathQueersWhoFrequentlyVisitLastLogin.cuteguysandpuppies.awww Login.JesusWhatsWithAllTheGayAndBipolarAndDerogatoryJockAndLawStudentJokes.com Login.JumpingUpAndDownOnTheDeadBeatenAndBurnedHorsesDomainJokesAshes.com Login.StartingToActuallyBeatTheDeadBeatingTheDeadDomainJokesJokes.com [parse that, if you dare] Login.com.ENDOFLINE ...
... ... ... Is that it? Wow. Wow. Yah. I mean... wow. That director really, actually has infinite free time. Wow. That was beyond entertainment. That was exponentially better than the Matrix. This actually took me out of the matrix... the matrix of the fabric of exisence. That was a pure, angelic, spiritual experience. That was the worst fucking piece of shit I have layed eyes on in sixteen lifetimes. Not counting the movie Jumper... except that ironically, while Jumer was horrible, it was still the coolest fucking superpower EVER. Yah I feel the same way. Like I'd sell my soul to go to Hogwart's Jumper School for a single day. No no, you're being sarcastic. I'm serious, I think it'd be the coolest thing ever. Just think of all the girls' dorm rooms you could jump in and out of. Or imagine this: if you saw a huge building about to crash down on a little kid, you could jump to him and say, "don't worry, I got ya," then jump him under a giant trash compactor and say "Just kidding, you're gonna die. But at least this way it'll be slow and painful." Dude that is so not funny. What? Christian Haydensen murdered a whole room full of innocent kids in episode three. But he had the weight of the world on-- psst-- Hey guys! The last login's about to start!! Huh? No, Jimmy, it's all over. What--what--what--?? How did I freaking miss it? I think you fell asleep twenty seconds into it. Was it that boring? Yah, we had to use toothpicks. Guess I didn't miss much then. Oh well, life is still scantly worth living; because thank god we have Star Wars Episode Seven to look forward to. Actually-- *nudge* No. Don't. Hey guys, I just realized something. What? Well, do you get the feeling that something was really, really wrong with the last login? Yah, I sort of did. Me too. Oh my god, I just realized what it was. What? What? 90% of the last login was just discussion about the last login... there really wasn't much else. Oh my God!! You're right!! This really makes everything we've just read totally shallow and meaningless. Does this mean that for all intents and purposes, there really was no last login at all? Just the illusion of one? Just a twenty page promotion promoting that promotion itself? Unless there really is a flash version at the end... I can't believe it. I can't believe it... All this time, and we were never meant to experience the last login at all. What are we going to do? We'll write it ourselves! We'll make a real last login, one with plot, substance, meaning, charact--- **NON-SEQUITER NUCLEAR BOMB** Alright. You've utterly beyond milked the single-page-of-text medium. It was really funny, alright? Now would you please, please, please, please, please link to the actual flash Last Login. You did learn some flash in almost ten years since college, right, especially having no job and infinite time all these years, right? Okay, okay. Sorry, I'll link it. We just couldn't help this prologue. *sigh of relief* Thank you. The anticipation builds... could there actually be a whole nother flash login, in the way that Link in Zelda 3 goes through three levels in the light world and you think the game might be over, then everything turns to shit and he has seven freaking more levels in the dark world to go? Just stop, and let me paint you a picture. Perhaps, just perhaps, five or six years ago, someone actually wrote most of this whole last login minus a few current day jokes, intending to post it on his site. But when he got to the end of all the super-login jokes, he decided, wouldn't it be the coolest coolest thing EVER if there actually was a super-login at the end. So this person takes the last couple years to learn flash pretty well, sets out to do something incredible, and actually creates a full flash login, in addition to the twenty pages of text he wrote years ago he uses as a prologue. How well do you know the writer? How well do you know this login? Maybe you've already skimmed to the end of the file and have read the end of this page out of curiosity, but wouldn't he have thought of that? Perhaps he actually planned on you reading the end, and then, to your complete astoundment, actually made the link work that you haven't clicked yet. Impossible? Get ready. Click here for the Very First Flash Login. ... ... ... ... ... Um, the link's broken. Are you freaking kidding me? A flash login!? You have to be on fucking drugs to have even believed me for a single momen-- YOU QUEER MANIC PRICK! LINK TO THE FUCKING FLASH LOGIN OR I'LL MURDER YOUR WHOLE EXTENDED FAMILY AND BURN EVERY PUTRID A&F BOY ON THE PLANET TO-- Wait, the A&F boys? YES. Burned alive? YES. For how long? Uh, whatever it normally takes for someone to burn alive. You know, until death. Jesus... ah... um... um.... um... nahhhhh. GO TO HELL AND DIE YOU SONS OF MOTHERF-- *CENSORED* THE END. (?) [final fantasy jingle when you beat a battle] If you're the best friend of the author, you get 83 experience, 12 gold, and gain 1 waist size for reading the last login. If you're anyone else, you get like a million insomniac points for reading this entire freaking piece of shit. If you just skipped to the end to see what was here, you get mauled and killed by a giant mutant giraffafly (a breeding mistake of giraffes and butterflies, who's just pissed off he wasn't in the login anywhere, except here, which he realizes after mauling you, which throws him into guilt and traumatic confusion). GAME OVER. [final fantasy VII game over music] to be continued... Directed by
some random drunk squish7.com intern Music by Dashboard Confessional Smells by The Psychic Friends network Starring... BRAD PITT HILLARY CLINTON PAXIL THE PLUSH GUINEA PIG JAKE GYYYLENNHAAAL THE AUDIENCE THE ENTIRE WORLD WIDE WEB AND A REALLY, REALLY CUTE PUPPY CAST Brad Pitt .... Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton .... Brad Pitt Paxil the Plush Guinea Pig .... Your Mom Jake Gyyylennhaaal .... My Mom The audience .... The audience Best Boy .... Is he a cute best boy? Can I get a picture of him cuddling a puppy? ... Mark Green He's not a really young boy, is he? .... Michael Jackson Because we've already established I'm not any kind of pedo.... Registry of Sex Offenders Michael Jackson is, though .... Michael Jackson Hot Jock #1 .... Hot Jock #2 Bipolar High School Jock #3 ... Law Student College Jock #pi Mr. No, Really, really, what is with the gay and jock and bipolar and law student jokes .... Mr. Sorry Nursing Home ex-Jock #77 ... Obama Login Staff .... of Saruman Katie .... Stephen Hawking Grandma .... Us & Them Zorcronitron #78 .... Bubbah Zupu ... who's Zupu? THE LAST LOGIN main menu . special features . trailers . setup
[click special features]
Are you kidding? After like 20 pages of typing? [click setup] sound: stereo . mono . kitten
commentary: oh my god wouldn't that be frickin' great [click kitten]
[click main menu] It's too late. it's all over. we'll never get there. you're stuck here for all eternity (unless you hit back on your browser). CHECK BACK FOR NEW LOGINS IN 2009 THE... FUCKING... END THE LAST LOGIN .com squish7.com |
